Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Enough with the Competitive Parenting!

I'd like to call a truce on competitive parenting.  I can't take it anymore.  The organic produce, the clothing, the birthday parties.  It's just too much.  Here's the deal, people.  I have two kids not yet in school.  I know, lots of people have more, but that's either because they're stupid or have twice the energy and ten times the patience I do.  I'm pretty much over-matched with two.

And I do other stuff.  I won't bore you with the details, but there are multiple volunteering gigs, working from home, etc.  Let's just say that when I have the chance to sit down, I don't use that time to plan out that week's perfectly balanced meal schedule, making sure to expose my kids to different ethnic flavors along the way.  I don't spend hours making sure my son, who turned 5 today, can write his full name in cursive, recite Tolstoy, order at a restaurant in a foreign tongue,  or whatever.  Then I see kids his age who have their phone number and address memorized and who can write their first and last name.  Hey, the grandparents seem perfectly content to have their cards signed with a scratchy, weird looking H.  No, I spend my spare time mixing a cocktail.

Plus it's pathetic when you over-coach your kid, because we all know it's so you can show off to other parents.  Yep, it's under the guise of getting them ready for kindergarten, but you're not fooling me.  I am old, but I remember a little about kindergarten, and it involved blocks, nose picking and the odd kid eating paste.  I recently overheard a 4-year-old say to another boy, "I'm (full name), and my phone number is (blank).  What is your number?  I'd like to play with you."  Um, yeah.  He's all ready for cocktail parties, but it seems a bit premature, don't you think? My son will introduce himself, but if the other kid responds with more than their name he wanders off because that's way beyond his repertoire.

So good for you that Suzie was the first in her kindergarten to read War and Peace in Mandarin!  You're an exceptional human being!  Yay for you that Bobby spends 4-hours a day shooting baskets so you can have the best shot on the team!  It's all about you.  Goody that you have basically taken dog training techniques and applied them to your young child to get that adulation that evaded you in high school.  Now your kid is really prepared for the rigors of kindergarten!  I had a mom tell me recently that kindergarten is much more challenging than when we were kids.  Even so, it still just means leaving your dress down and remembering to try not to say "poop" in front of other kids.

So proud mama and papa, just remember: There's still a chance that your kid will work for mine someday, even if he is still signing important legal documents with just a scratchy, weird H.  So suck it.